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| | The Write and Publish Fiction Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | How is this for a Scene, leave it the way it is ? Suggestions are welcome | Views: 650 | | Jul 17, 2007 11:32 pm | | How is this for a Scene, leave it the way it is ? Suggestions are welcome | # | 
Martin Bartloff | | We turned onto the I-264 east onramp. I had the Porsche in 2nd gear and stepped on the accelerator, letting the rpm’s go slightly on the 4000 mark, kept her there study. Cars were buzzing by as we came around the turn of the onramp and onto the acceleration lane. It seemed impossible to weave in between cars without slowing down and getting on behind them. I put the pedal to the floor, adrenaline gushed through my veins. The rpm needle raced to the 7000 mark. Catapulting me and Andy with one leap and evil like growl from the engine, in front of the fast going traffic. Andy’s eyes got real big and for the first time he showed a smile on his face. “Holy crap, this car is fast!” Private Reply to Martin Bartloff | | Jul 19, 2007 2:55 pm | | re: How is this for a Scene, leave it the way it is ? Suggestions are welcome | # |
Jenny | | C'mon y'all, there are 17 views on this post and no one responded? Let's support each other, all right?
Martin, I love the premise of your scene ;) It's right up my alley. Exactly the sort of stuff I love to read (and write.)
Here's some help with a few of the technicalities though:
We turned onto the I-264 east onramp.
*****Try showing this more and switch up your word choices a bit so you don't have "onto" and "on" in the same sentence, especially illustrating the very same action.
Maybe: We sped onto the I-264 eastbound ramp.
I had the Porsche in 2nd gear and stepped on the accelerator, letting the rpm’s go slightly on the 4000 mark, kept her there study.
****When you're writing a fast-paced, action-type sequence, go for shorter sentences full of 'puncy' verbiage. You don't want to muddle this down in the mundane. Work on using all the senses to imbue the passages with 3-D details.
Maybe: The Porsche growled, gnashing against the strangle-hold of second gear. Power built beneath its glossy hood as I pushed the rpms to 4000. I held her steady and oily heat blew in from the dash.
This is just a quick example of how you might make this more tactile. It engages the senses of sound, smell and touch. Even more if you can imagine the way a scent can leave an impression on your sense of taste.
Work on pumping it up a bit ;)
Cars were buzzing by as we came around the turn of the onramp and onto the acceleration lane.
*****You have a bit of passive voice here. Try to be more emphatic in what you write. "Were buzzing" doesn't have the same strength as "buzzed." One is telling, the other is showing.
It seemed impossible to weave in between cars without slowing down and getting on behind them.
******Again, did it 'seem impossible' or was it impossible? Or can you look deeper at the scene, at the moment and accurately describe "why" it seems impossible instead of just telling us that it does seem so? Maybe it's not that it's impossible, maybe it's that it would be dangerous, perhaps even fatal. Look deeply at what you're writing and try to find a way to best show what's truly important about that moment.
I put the pedal to the floor, adrenaline gushed through my veins.
*******I like that you've got a physical reaction to the speed here :) Can you think of a better way to describe "put the pedal to the floor"--just to avoid any hint of a cliche? :)
The rpm needle raced to the 7000 mark.
**********Look for unnecessary words, especially in these action sequences. Maybe: The rpm needle raced to 7000.
Catapulting me and Andy with one leap and evil like growl from the engine, in front of the fast going traffic.
********You have a paranthetical statement here, which means you need two commas--one after Andy. Or, conversely, you could eliminate the second comma all together. Either way, though, this sentence could be constructed much better, and might possibly work even better as two sentences. Don't forget to be confident in your writing: "evil like growl from the engine" will read stronger without the qualifier: "evil growl from the engine."
Andy’s eyes got real big and for the first time he showed a smile on his face. “Holy crap, this car is fast!”
*********When you use descriptions, look for words that will show what you want to be seen in the most succinct way possible. 'Real big' eyes could have been "gigantic" or "enormous" or "huge" or even have some fun using your character's internal voice: "ginormous" or "hugerific" :) Whatever your driver might use.
Love Andy's reaction though, and I love the dialogue ;)
I hope that you've found this helpful, Martin. Please, if you have any questions (or anyone else does for that matter) please just ask!
Warmly,
Jenny:)Private Reply to Jenny | | Jul 19, 2007 4:26 pm | | re: re: How is this for a Scene, leave it the way it is ? Suggestions are welcome | # |
Martin Bartloff | | Dearest Jenny :-),
Thanks for the response. As usual I see the improvements you pointed out and I will work on the scene tonight.
You're making an awesome writer out of me some day.
I didn't even know you could see the viewings on posts, but yes 17 and no response is calling for improvments.
Are there other groups/boards on the internet that are maybe more repsonsive than this one?.
Thanks again.
MartinPrivate Reply to Martin Bartloff | | Jul 19, 2007 5:13 pm | | re: re: re: How is this for a Scene, leave it the way it is ? Suggestions are welcome | # |
Jenny | | Martin, I'm glad you found the comments helpful ;)
I understand this isn't a "critique group" per se, so you might want to look at finding one that you'd feel comfortable with.
I would search through Yahoo groups on the internet for critique groups in your genre. I paid for access to Writer's Village University when I first started writing. It's not expensive, considering the 100's of courses they offer, plus working with a critique group outside of those courses, but I don't know your financial situation and you may not be interested in spending your money on something of that nature. You can, though, sign up for their free class called F2K, if you're interested.
There are tons of writing groups on the internet, however. Some are part of a larger organization (like Mystery Writer's of America) and others are groups writer's created to get just the sort of feedback you're looking for. Doing a "google" search should bring up a zillion or so options ;)
Just be careful on picking one to join. Choose one that has the right amount of activity for your tastes (too much, and you can feel overwhelmed, too little and you'll be underwhelmed.) Choose one that has guidelines and moderation so no one can just do a drive-by offensive commentary on your posts. Pick one in your genre (you don't want to join an Erotica writing group unless you write Erotica ;) ) Make sure too that you can meet the requirements: such as your end of doing critiques, posting requirements (some say one a week, etc.) and has the right level of communication you want. (If you don't care for a lot of off-topic discussion, or want a more chatty group so you can get to know the other authors personally, prayer requests, wedding/reunion/graduation announcements, etc.)
I miss my critique group very much. I had to leave the group because I wasn't able to keep up with the weekly critiques after my books were published. But it was such an awesome experience, and I really don't think I'd be where I am today if it werent' for them.
Best wishes, Martin, on finding a good group and writing your novel ;)
Warmly,
Jenny:)Private Reply to Jenny | | |
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